PS This post contains NSFW content by means of self harm and suicidality. ie TRIGGER
Well as you can gather no improvement on my thoughts. So my last thought before I actually got up was to butcher meself depending on Maureen’s answer, if she remembers a black guy in eh orphanage and if she does, then I would butcher meself like a carcass, like the way they yank the skin thing off before the meat in question and it hanging off and then somehow getting up to the hospital. I attempt to put toilet paper, as I don’t have any bandages. But low and behold I saw Sammy his ass facing me, and I said to myself I wanna see his face , hahah. So I played with BOTH Patch n Sammy. ehehhe and my Ducky and my Sleevenies, hehehehe. So that got my suicidality and self harm, more so self harm thoughts away.
So I got up and rang Maureen my Aunt to find out if she remembers the Black guy who was in my dreams a few months ago, as expected she couldn’t remember. So then I got up showered and watched the news. My sis popped down for some downloading.
I then headed out with a view of seeing Edmund, head of Vegan Ireland and Evelyn and the french woman GLoria(Glo) and then onto Pan(Review here) and then to folks as Ailish and Noel are away to mind Noeleen and Andrew’s kids as they themselves are celebrating their 17th ANniversary in Rome, funnily where they got married initially. ahahah.
So then I headed onto Edmund and saw them at the table to protest against Fur, as per every Saturday afternoon. Then afterwards, the 4 of us, Edmund, Glo, Evelyne and myself headed onto Cornucopia. heheh. I had a beautiful Vegan Chocolate FUdge Cake. It was so scrumptious and heaven. hahha. We were chatting away, I was chatting with GLo, and before you know it, time caught up with us and as such, I wasn’t able to get a pressie AND the cinema in at all. The pressoe, was well too late. And then cinema indeed hahaah. We were chatting about her course which brought great memories back from my college days. However with programming!!!!. Like although I love it an all, I just can’t hack it in a business environment.
So I headed on up to Mom n Dad’s directly. heehehe. I was joined by my sis. We had a nice meal. ehheh. hhahaaLooked at TV etc.,
So I got up for a short time, after realisizing that Beverley Hills 90210 Omnibus wouldn’t be taped as my box was full. I in particular needed Ep4 and Ep5 of Season 1. Which I never knew Ep5 was on thou.
So I continued back to sleep. Then after my hibernation, I got up nice and prepped up and showered. I have decided that I shall let my bodily hair and my beard and my tache and of course my hair that i let it grow for Movember. Can’t wait. The fact that sex is down the road It won’t make any difference. If however, sex does come, I’ll decide when the time comes. Bottomline, Ama just gonna let my hair grow for Movember. Again when the sex comes(if ever), then Ill see.
I then set about heading off to see my sis. I brought along stuff that she wanted me to get from Lidls which I got last week. So I set up which didn’t take much to her Deep Fat Fryer. However the size of it, for the amt I paid. Then I blew up her Inflatable which is actually an Exercise Ball. As she was feeling a bit low, I decided to stay on with the help of a friend, I actually stayed on and said, I’ll blow up the ball and so she can play with it, when she’s feeling low. So I actually managed to do so. It took a bit of effort. But glad to do for someone in need. So we had cups of teas, laughs etc., At Two and Half Men as well. heheehe.
So when I arrived back home, I looked at my TV shows. During the midst, I got a notification that an old school mate of mine from High School who had a back brace wanted to become friends. Now the background to this friend, isn’t too bad. But for lack of contact on any medium, I removed him. He wasn’t homophobic. But he was pressing his beliefs and it bothered me at the time.
I was looking at the Diana: Her True Story movie from back in the 80s I think. It was quite fascinating. I’m assuming its based on the true story. Twould appear that she WANTED a marriage. But she was forced into marriage by the British Monarch(Royal Family). Even my own mother knew there was something going on. Nothing but a bully to Diana. She was known as the “Outcast” of the family. In fact what scared me when I heard one of the members of the public being interviewed regarding her death, he said that the paparazzi were following her in the car, which in the turn the paparazzi was doing it for us, so he made it out that WE THE PUBLIC were at fault for her death. That sent shivers down my spine. To such a sweet young person. She was only 37 if I recall rightly.
I really love looking at how things are done. Such as how are TVs made, or to my American followers, you should be familiar with Iced Green Tea, Mike & Ikes etc., and also how Escalators and Bowling Lanes operate, Etc., etc., You get the gist of where I’m coming from. heehehe. I was always the curious one. hahaha.
Well today was quite an interesting and productive day. I got up quite alot late today. Had no interest in showering, as I’d normally would. Perhaps whatever was on my mind, didn’t help. I just can’t understand why I’m wanting to rekindle my friendship with Adam. Like he’s straight, which I don’t mind, but it bothers me that he’s acting strange with me, and has been for awhile. So I headed onto Crina with all this on my mind. WE looked at Mike and Molly, The Millers and The Golden Girls. WE chatted and chatted. One thing that disturbs me thou and light bulb as I like to call it, is that I realised something hence Light Bulb; that my relatives Ailish, and Co WERE actually responsible for my homophobia. And how I know this is quite simple. My Aunty(ahem my former now) Eileen is having her 80th Birthday on da 12th of next month. Now if my mom thought that I should be at the party, she would have invited us m y sis n I to the party. She hasn’t even broached the subject which can only mean one thing. That the truth has been told, that they were responsible for the suicicadtion of myself. A few weeks ago, I pleaded my apology to one of them and I quite expected them to get back to me ie via Facebook as in to re add me or at the very least to unblock me(UPDATE – He’s actually unblocked me). But if i’m to get my mentality back, I have to get rid of em. Which so far all going to plan. Like at the end of the day, its my sis who has to see the result of the homophobic abuse – ie suicide attempts naley the strangulation. It is my intention to get rid of em compelytly instead of going back to to em, Like thinking about it, more it makes sense. Like when her sister(Ailish’s sister) was over, Ailsih had wanted me to meet up with her. However I got the willies, so I texted both of em, but no reply. So yeah, can’t be bothered with em at all. Everytime I’m up in the house namely my folks’ place the memories floods me. My Mom invited me up to their place last week to call up this week. However with the memories keep flooding me, I just can’t.
Well today was to be of quiet day, as with any other Sunday. I was getting ready to head to Crinas when Mom rang me for to give us a feed. I had told her that I’m heading out, and she says “ah no, I’m outside.” So she then asked if I was going to Crina’s. I said yeahhh. So she offered me a lift. Of which I took. I was delighted and surprised to hear that Crina had called up to me Paps,. So happy for her. As with some people Christmas can be heard for people. For some they can have lost loved ones, etc., So Mom dropped me along with the Chinese she had gotten us.
So Mom then left us to be, and headed off. So Crina and I chatted for a few hours, like any other Sunday. So then we looked at a few episodes of Mike and Molly. What a great laugh. I totally enjoyed it. Brought great memories and also reminded me of what my life awaits. Totally awesome. Then just before I headed off, as it was getting late, Crina advised that I do something about the landlord’s eviction threat that he gave me last week. I told her, there’s nothing that can be done. The lacky is just a bully. So we went through all options, homelessness, hostels etc., Somehow I didn’t get the connection, but the Hep B was brought up, again I don’t know why? But I’m thankful thou it was, as it actually proved that my Hep B didn’t come int he form of STD., which am delighted(well to a certain degree, cause now I don’t have to worry that I didn’t get it from a guy). I actually got it in Romania ie my birth Mom. How I came across tot he conclusion, was that Crina had mentioned about Acute and Chronic. And I remember that my STD Councillor mentioned acute and chronic, I asked them can’t you not vaccinate me, and they said no, it was TOO LATE, meaning the Hep B came from my mother.
I’m just so happy that my Sis has come back to herself. Boy did we all miss her. Keep well dear. We’re all rooting for ya.
So onwards with all my scarfies, on the way home, I walked home in the cold. Then I came across the Declan Memorial Bridge, and a very BRIEF thought went through like a badness in me, whereby I go up the bridge and just fall off it. Again, I just don’t know whats going on at all. I will be giving up the psychotherapy tomorrow. I can’t see myself going through it for another several months. I thought it was working, but it ain’t. My homophobia days will always be with me. I asked my sis earlier on, How can I get rid of it, she suggested good memories and try to think of em. I have tried. Oh Lordy lord lord, I have tried. I feel that am exactly the same as coming out as I am now a.k.a or simply put, I feel that I am back in my days of when I was suffering from Homophobia. Now obviously there’s no actual homophobia now, but that’s just my feeling.